[Kate wasn't expecting this message, and she's not sure it's a pleasant surprise. Fair or not, she's expecting this to go south like most of their conversations have lately. She knows he's going through a lot, but so many of their arguments feel like the same arguments they always fall back to.
he's been alone most of his life. included in the fringes, but never really apart of anything. he's never belonged in any place he didn't brutally carve out for himself, and even then, there was usually only one person who wanted him around. ]
You're asking for more than you know when you tell me to open up. I've never had friends. I had family, coworkers, subordinates. Never friends. The closest person to that back home is fifteen years older than me and more computer than man. The only other person who enjoys my presence and listening to what I have to say is Clark.
[ and kara. but that's - he's lying to her. actively, downplaying the kind of person he is, because sure she as hell won't like him when the truth comes out. maybe kate won't either.
that'd probably be for the best. ]
I want to help people and make the world better, but no one believes a god damn thing I say because I don't say it right. You tell me how to say it and I intend to, but that's not what comes out. You want me to talk about how I feel? I'm angry. All the time. At nothing, at everything and everyone, but mostly at myself. Things set me off at random. I've burned Jason more than once, literally, because he tried to approach me at the wrong time. I didn't mean it, but he still has the scars. Sometimes its the only thing I feel. Sometimes its the only thing that motivates me to get up in the morning. The entire thing with Maeda is just another screw up in a long list of mistakes I can't fix. The fact that she's still after us is my fault, I antagonized her in the dream world.
[ there's a longer pause. the real reason he wants to do this behind closed doors. he doesn't want to see her face. he doesn't want to think about his own face. ]
[It's... a lot. And it's maybe the most he's opened up to her in a long time. She's already formulating a response when his last message comes through, and it pulls her up short, everything she'd been about to say disappearing.]
We were having a fight while containing a prison breakout. When we started fighting about reforming the justice system, he sided with my father. I didn't. He was trying to play mediator and I didn't want to hear it. I threw one of my escrima sticks at him as hard as I could to shut him up. It hit him in the temple. He broke his neck when he hit the ground.
[ has he ever admitted to that? to jason, once, he thinks. everyone else who knows was there - or were told a different version of events by his father.
he has a temper. he's angry and has trouble shoving that down, and he hasn't been that mindlessly angry in a long, long time. he can understand how it escalated, how they got to where they were, and that had always been a bit. something they did. only he'd really intended to hurt him in the split second it took to throw it.
and he had.
he blamed bruce more than he blames himself. saying it wouldn't have happened if bruce had just accepted that things needed to change, if he'd treated them better, if he'd been a father.
but he knows what really did it. that one terrible moment he can never take back. why he'd stolen the nightwing costume, kept it hidden from the world, until he was ready to slip into it like some poor imitation. he doesn't like damian wayne, or hafid al ghul. ]
[It makes a lot click into place—Damian's anger and obvious self-loathing, everything he's ever said about Dick—but she can't think of anything to say.]
Oh, Damian, I'm so sorry.
[It was a freak accident. A stupid move to throw the stick maybe, sure, but Kate's seen a million arguments between superheroes turn physical.]
I don't know what to tell you, Damian. I care about you, and I'm here for you, but you're angry with me all the time, too. Even when I'm trying to help.
I can barely get through a conversation with you without tripping over something you consider "pushing too hard". Are we just supposed to keep not talking about the awful things that happen to us here? It always ends up being up to you whether we deal with things or not.
Okay. But you have to mean it, and it can't be a get out of jail free card. You and Jason like to insist you don't need help or don't want to talk, and then let things fester and blow up a month later. It would be nice if you showed you cared about me a little more, too. Half the time I'm allowed to touch you and half the time I'm not, and you never even really ask me how I'm doing.
[He's getting blunt Kate now, since she's decided sincere Kate doesn't seem to work.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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But, okay. She'll give this a shot.]
Sure. About what?
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stephen said ask for space. not shut down. he doesn't totally get the difference. ]
That fight.
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In person? Or is texting better?
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[ which is stupid. but whatever. ]
This isn't easy for me.
I hate admitting that.
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he's been alone most of his life. included in the fringes, but never really apart of anything. he's never belonged in any place he didn't brutally carve out for himself, and even then, there was usually only one person who wanted him around. ]
You're asking for more than you know when you tell me to open up.
I've never had friends.
I had family, coworkers, subordinates. Never friends.
The closest person to that back home is fifteen years older than me and more computer than man.
The only other person who enjoys my presence and listening to what I have to say is Clark.
[ and kara. but that's - he's lying to her. actively, downplaying the kind of person he is, because sure she as hell won't like him when the truth comes out. maybe kate won't either.
that'd probably be for the best. ]
I want to help people and make the world better, but no one believes a god damn thing I say because I don't say it right. You tell me how to say it and I intend to, but that's not what comes out.
You want me to talk about how I feel? I'm angry. All the time. At nothing, at everything and everyone, but mostly at myself. Things set me off at random. I've burned Jason more than once, literally, because he tried to approach me at the wrong time. I didn't mean it, but he still has the scars.
Sometimes its the only thing I feel. Sometimes its the only thing that motivates me to get up in the morning. The entire thing with Maeda is just another screw up in a long list of mistakes I can't fix. The fact that she's still after us is my fault, I antagonized her in the dream world.
[ there's a longer pause. the real reason he wants to do this behind closed doors. he doesn't want to see her face. he doesn't want to think about his own face. ]
I killed Dick Grayson, Kate.
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What are you talking about, Damian?
cw neck breakage and siblicide
I threw one of my escrima sticks at him as hard as I could to shut him up.
It hit him in the temple.
He broke his neck when he hit the ground.
[ has he ever admitted to that? to jason, once, he thinks. everyone else who knows was there - or were told a different version of events by his father.
he has a temper. he's angry and has trouble shoving that down, and he hasn't been that mindlessly angry in a long, long time. he can understand how it escalated, how they got to where they were, and that had always been a bit. something they did. only he'd really intended to hurt him in the split second it took to throw it.
and he had.
he blamed bruce more than he blames himself. saying it wouldn't have happened if bruce had just accepted that things needed to change, if he'd treated them better, if he'd been a father.
but he knows what really did it. that one terrible moment he can never take back. why he'd stolen the nightwing costume, kept it hidden from the world, until he was ready to slip into it like some poor imitation. he doesn't like damian wayne, or hafid al ghul. ]
I didn't mean to kill him but he's dead.
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Oh, Damian, I'm so sorry.
[It was a freak accident. A stupid move to throw the stick maybe, sure, but Kate's seen a million arguments between superheroes turn physical.]
You know he wouldn't have blamed you for that.
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[ and that's enough. ]
I know he doesn't approve of what I've done with my life.
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[ does he ever. ]
I know what I want to do.
I'm just illsuited for it.
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[ no. more than that. ]
Lead a team and shape it right. Not falling into the same traps my father did.
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It's just
You need to stop taking your anger out on people, Damian.
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I care about you, and I'm here for you, but you're angry with me all the time, too. Even when I'm trying to help.
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It pisses me off when you push too hard.
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Are we just supposed to keep not talking about the awful things that happen to us here?
It always ends up being up to you whether we deal with things or not.
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there's a pause. ]
Okay.
So we need a middle ground.
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And if I don't want to talk anymore, I tell you.
[ . . . ]
And I tell you why.
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You and Jason like to insist you don't need help or don't want to talk, and then let things fester and blow up a month later.
It would be nice if you showed you cared about me a little more, too.
Half the time I'm allowed to touch you and half the time I'm not, and you never even really ask me how I'm doing.
[He's getting blunt Kate now, since she's decided sincere Kate doesn't seem to work.]
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[ don't be snippy, asshole. that's what got you in this miss. ]
I'm sorry. Words aren't my strong suit.
I'll try harder.
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