[It's... a lot. And it's maybe the most he's opened up to her in a long time. She's already formulating a response when his last message comes through, and it pulls her up short, everything she'd been about to say disappearing.]
We were having a fight while containing a prison breakout. When we started fighting about reforming the justice system, he sided with my father. I didn't. He was trying to play mediator and I didn't want to hear it. I threw one of my escrima sticks at him as hard as I could to shut him up. It hit him in the temple. He broke his neck when he hit the ground.
[ has he ever admitted to that? to jason, once, he thinks. everyone else who knows was there - or were told a different version of events by his father.
he has a temper. he's angry and has trouble shoving that down, and he hasn't been that mindlessly angry in a long, long time. he can understand how it escalated, how they got to where they were, and that had always been a bit. something they did. only he'd really intended to hurt him in the split second it took to throw it.
and he had.
he blamed bruce more than he blames himself. saying it wouldn't have happened if bruce had just accepted that things needed to change, if he'd treated them better, if he'd been a father.
but he knows what really did it. that one terrible moment he can never take back. why he'd stolen the nightwing costume, kept it hidden from the world, until he was ready to slip into it like some poor imitation. he doesn't like damian wayne, or hafid al ghul. ]
[It makes a lot click into place—Damian's anger and obvious self-loathing, everything he's ever said about Dick—but she can't think of anything to say.]
Oh, Damian, I'm so sorry.
[It was a freak accident. A stupid move to throw the stick maybe, sure, but Kate's seen a million arguments between superheroes turn physical.]
I don't know what to tell you, Damian. I care about you, and I'm here for you, but you're angry with me all the time, too. Even when I'm trying to help.
I can barely get through a conversation with you without tripping over something you consider "pushing too hard". Are we just supposed to keep not talking about the awful things that happen to us here? It always ends up being up to you whether we deal with things or not.
Okay. But you have to mean it, and it can't be a get out of jail free card. You and Jason like to insist you don't need help or don't want to talk, and then let things fester and blow up a month later. It would be nice if you showed you cared about me a little more, too. Half the time I'm allowed to touch you and half the time I'm not, and you never even really ask me how I'm doing.
[He's getting blunt Kate now, since she's decided sincere Kate doesn't seem to work.]
I was raised by assassins. If I showed weakness then punishment would follow and that could be lethal. My mother's idea of coddling was taking care to avoid arteries when training, and she wasn't a fan of coddling. When I'm worked up fight or flight takes over. I've thrown people through walls for startling me. The powers make it worse.
I'm sorry, Damian. I know it's hard to talk about, but it helps when you tell me things like this. I don't feel so in the dark, and I don't have to guess at what you need.
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What are you talking about, Damian?
cw neck breakage and siblicide
I threw one of my escrima sticks at him as hard as I could to shut him up.
It hit him in the temple.
He broke his neck when he hit the ground.
[ has he ever admitted to that? to jason, once, he thinks. everyone else who knows was there - or were told a different version of events by his father.
he has a temper. he's angry and has trouble shoving that down, and he hasn't been that mindlessly angry in a long, long time. he can understand how it escalated, how they got to where they were, and that had always been a bit. something they did. only he'd really intended to hurt him in the split second it took to throw it.
and he had.
he blamed bruce more than he blames himself. saying it wouldn't have happened if bruce had just accepted that things needed to change, if he'd treated them better, if he'd been a father.
but he knows what really did it. that one terrible moment he can never take back. why he'd stolen the nightwing costume, kept it hidden from the world, until he was ready to slip into it like some poor imitation. he doesn't like damian wayne, or hafid al ghul. ]
I didn't mean to kill him but he's dead.
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Oh, Damian, I'm so sorry.
[It was a freak accident. A stupid move to throw the stick maybe, sure, but Kate's seen a million arguments between superheroes turn physical.]
You know he wouldn't have blamed you for that.
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[ and that's enough. ]
I know he doesn't approve of what I've done with my life.
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[ does he ever. ]
I know what I want to do.
I'm just illsuited for it.
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[ no. more than that. ]
Lead a team and shape it right. Not falling into the same traps my father did.
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It's just
You need to stop taking your anger out on people, Damian.
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I care about you, and I'm here for you, but you're angry with me all the time, too. Even when I'm trying to help.
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It pisses me off when you push too hard.
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Are we just supposed to keep not talking about the awful things that happen to us here?
It always ends up being up to you whether we deal with things or not.
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there's a pause. ]
Okay.
So we need a middle ground.
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And if I don't want to talk anymore, I tell you.
[ . . . ]
And I tell you why.
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You and Jason like to insist you don't need help or don't want to talk, and then let things fester and blow up a month later.
It would be nice if you showed you cared about me a little more, too.
Half the time I'm allowed to touch you and half the time I'm not, and you never even really ask me how I'm doing.
[He's getting blunt Kate now, since she's decided sincere Kate doesn't seem to work.]
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[ don't be snippy, asshole. that's what got you in this miss. ]
I'm sorry. Words aren't my strong suit.
I'll try harder.
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[ ... ]
I just don't like people touching me when I get worked up.
For their safety and mine.
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[ he almost leaves it at that. ]
It's always been like that.
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My mother's idea of coddling was taking care to avoid arteries when training, and she wasn't a fan of coddling.
When I'm worked up fight or flight takes over. I've thrown people through walls for startling me.
The powers make it worse.
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I know it's hard to talk about, but it helps when you tell me things like this. I don't feel so in the dark, and I don't have to guess at what you need.